For Want of Sanity: Sims Crack
by Ocean's Tale
Summary: Sometimes, crack-y stories just happen. This is especially true when fans bring characters into a game such as Sims 2. Illegitimate children, alien abductions, mpreg, awkward phone calls and puppies abound in this compilation of Sims crack.
1. Of Blueberry Tea and Assbabies

_Well then. Let's get this show on the road! If this wasn't a fanfiction, that is. And any company in the right mind would allow something as cracktastic and derpy as this is going to be made into a movie._  
><em>If this sucks, I'd just like to say that Mehrana was insistent that I do this. If this doesn't suck, it was all my idea. ;D Joking, Mehr. I love you. What can you expect in this? Tons of crack. Tons of it. Like, picture crack raining from the sky and coating everything you ever loved in lulzy, derpy crack <strong>FOREVER<strong>. That's how much you can expect. They will be Kingdom Hearts and Naruto. Inuyasha and Prince of Persia. Yugioh and Bartimaeus. Possibly even some Ouran. It all depends on what I'm able to find CC for, and what the demented, perverted people that are Mehrana and myself come up with when our twisted brains come in contact with Sims insanity._

_Let's start off the trip into Crazyville with one of our (Mehrana and I, that is) favorite crack pairings: Xigbar/Deidara.  
>Welcome, to insanity.<br>_

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><p>Xigbar and Deidara had only been in this strange world for a few days, and all ready things were going horribly wrong. From the moment they had got up that morning, Deidara had been horribly sick and exhausted. Not too long ago he had tracked down the address of the local doctor and had left to see about getting checked out. In retrospect, Xigbar probably should have gone with him. Instead he spent an hour or so milling about downtown, blending with the locals and seeing what he could learn about this new world. After a time he headed back to the small house Deidara and him were renting for the duration of their mission- it wouldn't do to be gone when the arson got back. Especially if he still felt as shitty as he had that morning.<p>

As it would turn out, he hadn't gotten back a moment too soon.

Shortly after Xigbar had arrived back at the house, Deidara burst through the front door looking equal parts pissed off and terrified. He shrugged off his cloak and threw it over a nearby chair. Was it just Xigbar's imagination, or did the ninja look a little different? Well, with the way he was looking at him, Xigbar didn't have time to notice any changes. The Sharpshooter raised an eyebrow. "Do I want to know?"

In a totally irrational response, Deidara glared at him. "God dammit, Xigbar."

Okay, so something was seriously upsetting him. The arson only used his full name in the place of one of many nicknames when he was being serious about something. "What'd I do thi-" a piece of paper was suddenly shoved in his face, far too close to read. "What the hell?"

"So I get to the doctor's office, and since no one else was there they were able to see me immediately," Deidara started, talking a bit faster than normal. He released the paper, which Xigbar grabbed at, and started pacing. "After I tell the doctor exactly how shitty my morning has been, he does all the usual tests and checks for illness. As far as he can tell, I'm completely healthy. So what the hell was all that about this morning?

"He runs me through even more tests, and I end up waiting around for probably an hour for the results before getting called back. All of the tests he ran were negative, except for one." And then Deidara stopped, looking unsure how to continue.

Xigbar decided to test the waters. "So, what's wrong?"

The arson stopped pacing so he could glare at Xigbar. "What's wrong? _What's wrong_? I'll tell you what's fuckin' wrong!" He snarled. "You, Xigbar, knocked me up! I'm fucking _pregnant!_"

Wait.

What?

Apparently Xigbar's confusion at the statement was evident, because Deidara pointed tight-lipped at the paper. The Sharpshooter glanced down at it; Everything on this world was written in a language neither of them could read or speak. The paper, however, had been conveniently translated into English. Slightly broken, choppy English, but English all the same. And upon scanning it, Xigbar realized that it was the result of a pregnancy test. Positive.

Shit, Deidara was talking and pacing again. He'd better pay attention. "... According to the doctor, male pregnancies are actually really common on this world. It doesn't even matter if you're _from_ this world or not. There's still a chance that a guy can get pregnant."

As he talked, Xigbar carefully studied the arson. He had thought that there was something off with Deidara when he got back, and now that he knew what to look for it was obvious; He was already showing. The bump was small, but noticeable once you knew it was there.

"Did you notice how everyone native to this planet ages pretty quickly?" the arson continued, "Well, apparently pregnancies here act similarly, in of that they only last a few days." Deidara stopped his pacing a few feet from Xigbar, his back to the Nobody. "Kami, I'm _pregnant_," he groaned, burying his face in his hands. He parted his fingers so he could stare at the ground and whispered in a voice so quiet Xigbar barely heard him speak, "This cannot be happening. I'm not stable enough to be a parent. Something'll happen and I'll snap and fuck up and-"

Ah, freak out time. Which meant it was time for Xigbar to step in and stop a panic attack before it could start.

He came up behind Deidara and wrapped this arms gently around him. "Sh, sh, calm down, Dei. We can handle this. When are you due?"

"In two days." His voice shook as he answered, and hadn't really raised beyond that same whisper.

Well. Shit. That wasn't a whole lot of time. "That's fine. We'll figure something out." Xigbar gave his ninja a squeeze.

Deidara sighed shakily and lowered his hands to rest on Xigbar's arms. Then he leaned his head back against the Nobody's shoulder and closed his eyes. "I hope so," he whispered, "I really, really do."

The two of them stood there for several long minutes as Deidara slowly calmed down. To the extent that he could, at least. After a bit, Xigbar realized that his hands, along with Deidara's, had drifted down to rest on the ninja's stomach. "Hey, anything I can get you?" The Sharpshooter asked quietly.

"Tea. The blueberry kind."

Xigbar nodded. He steered the arson over to the nearest sofa and sat him down before portaling to the kitchen to prepare the requested drink. It felt like ages had passed before the water finally started boiling, but eventually it did. And almost as soon as the kettle had started whistling, the stove was off and Xigbar was returning to the living room with a mug of tea in hand.

Deidara had drawn his knees up to his chest and loosely wrapped his arms around them, still looking decidedly not calm. But he unfurled when Xigbar sat down and offered him the mug, which he accepted. He wrapped his hands around the mug, cradling it and soaking up the warmth. Once it had cooled down to the point that he could drink it without burning his tongue, the arson took a gulp. Then with a small, almost inaudible sigh of content, he leaned against Xigbar's shoulder. "Thanks."

"Anytime, Dei. Anytime."


	2. For Want of A Puppy

_This one is our original Sims Crack. It's tiny and short and deal. There's nothing else to be told here. Yet. ;D_

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><p>"I want a puppy. Can I have a puppy?"<p>

Deidara grit his teeth. "No, you can't have a puppy. You already have a bird."

Sakura pulled a face. True, she had wanted the bird. But now it's newness was passed and she didn't care anymore. Besides, who names a bird 'Clay Bird?' Her daddy, apparently. No, the new thing was a puppy. Or a kitty. But mostly a puppy.

Ooo, maybe both!

"Why can't I have a puppy?" she whined, trailing after one of her fathers as he walked downstairs to the first floor of their house.

"Because they dig holes and destroy the furniture and are nothing but a bother." He snapped in reply, bare feet padding across the wood floor to the kitchen's stone one. Deidara was feeling a bit peckish, but mostly foul tempered and angry at the world. His second pregnancy was being more difficult on him then their daughter's had been. He had been constantly sick during the first part of it, and now that he was showing he was continually exhausted and grouchy. The stone ninja got the feeling that things were only going to get worse from here on out.

Sakura pouted at that answer. "Dad would've said yes!"

"Yes, well, Dad isn't here right now, is he?"

No, he wasn't. 'Dad' was off downtown buying new clothes for Sakura. Something about no daughter of his being caught dead in jeans, a tshirt and an apron.

"Besides, Dad would agree with me. No puppies. Not happening."

"What about a kitty?"

Deidara loosed an exasperated sigh. "No! No kitties either. No pets other then Clay Bird. And maybe a fish. I'm not putting up with that. And where would we put everything they need?"

His daughter sulked at that, plopping down on one of the kitchen chairs and folding her arms over her chest as she glowered at the table. Then an idea dawned on her and the wicked, plotting grin of a child spread across her face. "Daddy?" she started sweetly, sliding off the chair and looking at 'Daddy.'

"What is it now? I've already said no more pets." Deidara's back was to his daughter, and as such didn't see the malicious look of a child with a plot.

"What 'bout a deal?" She asked cautiously, voice still sweet and ploying.

"What sort of a deal?"

The plotting grew wider. "If I get an A+ on my report card, can I have a puppy?"

Deidara snorted. Not at the fact of his daughter getting an A+ but, well... at the fact of his daughter getting an A+. She loved working, yes, but absolutely hated her homework. More often then not she came home with a reminder from her teachers about her over-due homework. "I suppose so."

And then he heard the evil tone in her voice. And then he turned around and saw the grin. And then it was far too late, for Sakura was already holding up a report card with a bright red A+ written on it. That malicious grin never once left her face.

Deidara groaned and raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. How had he not seen this coming?

Sakura squealed and dashed across the room where she knelt down and picked up the tiny, pure white puppy. She held the puppy, Suki, almost at arm's length, not quite sure how to hold her yet. But that didn't phase either girl, who squealed and giggled, or dog, who barked happily at the attention.

"How," Deidara groaned, a hand on his temple, "Did I get tricked into this madness?"

Xigbar grinned and hooked an arm around the other's waist. "Face it, babe. You're just loosing your touch."

Deidara glared daggers at the Sharpshooter. Xigbar chuckled and kissed him on the cheek as their daughter and dog squealed and barked and squirmed.


End file.
